The Reward You Deserve
The Official Semi-Golden Ticket of Indeterminate Value is the Grand Prize for the West Coast Scavenger Hunt.
If you’re thinking, “Flaming Nora! This is just the sort of low-key reward I’ve been searching for!” you probably couldn’t be more wrong.
So let’s get to your question:
Exactly what IS The Official Semi-Golden Ticket of Indeterminate Value?
The Semi-Golden Ticket reward was hatched by our shipping manager, one Ringo Johnson, 1 who, one Saturday evening in November, hitched up his overalls, took a long swig of rum, strode into the office, and announced in a voice rich with cigar smoke: 2
“The finder of The Official Semi-Golden Ticket of Indeterminate Value shall be entitled to one free copy of the best version of Zombie Circus Goats, plus real objects 3 that:
- Are collectively worth more than the 2006 Fender Jazz bass collecting dust in my closet.
- Are collectively worth less, or possibly equal to, round trip airfare for one adult human to anywhere in the world large airplanes fly. 4
- Collectively weigh more than all the panuchos they can eat with 19 friends in one sitting.
- Collectively weigh less than all the sand they can eat with 19 different friends in one sitting. 5
- Are collectively bigger than a breadbox.
- Are collectively smaller than a passenger car on the scenic Coach Starlight.
Of course we agreed. So if you’re a person who is passionate about objects that exist in the real world whose collective worth, weight, and size fall within the ranges outlined above, then you’ve got something to be excited about.
- Direct your inquires and congratulations to Ringo at: email@example.com
- It was a voice like Gandalf’s voice in The Two Towers, when Saruman is leaning out from the balcony of Orthanc, getting his command on with the army of good guys amassed below him, and lots of them are like “You know what, this dude sounds super reasonable, we should totally do what he says,” and Gandalf is like “Pfff, you guys are my bros, but you must be high b/c this is some obvious BS,” and then Saruman tries to slink off because he gets that the jig is up but Gandalf just goes: “Eh, I didn’t give you permission to leave, and btw, your staff is broken.” [- before 1] And then Saruman’s staff implodes out from under him and we get a taste of who is the real BMF of Middle Earth. Right after that Wormtongue chucks his master’s absolute favorite thing, the Palantir, out of a window, which turns out to be a terrible move. Any idea why did they cut this scene from the movie? It’s the literal best part of The Two Towers. But back to Ringo’s voice. It was like that.
- Objects that exist in the real world.
- Coach, with 90 days notice.
- Do not eat sand.