A list of rewards that were in violation of Kickstarter’s policy. After a lively exchange with the amazing KS compliance team, we settled on rewards that were less awesome, and more “real.”
Supporters at ALL levels receive entry into a single-drawing raffle to ride aboard the SpaceX rocket with 3 friends! 1 That’s right, for a pledge of only $1 you and your crew could be on your way to the complete emptiness of the stratosphere. Our buddies at SpaceX have confirmed that they will abide by the results of this landmark contest.
Cure for Poverty
To our supporters who pledge $2 or more we will email simple instructions for constructing a life beyond the never-ending cycle of stress over bills, food, and retirement. Also included: Plans for a weighted bracelet that cures laziness.
GMOs vs the World
Pledge $10 or more: To our friends who donate $10, we’ll send a kernel of genetically modified corn that is virtually impervious to blight, shade, drought, and digestion. The agriculture of the future is here today.
Antibacterial Hate Speech
Get woke with your hand washing. Those who pledge $15 or more will receive a Hand Sanitizing Towelette along with tiny manifesto for the Eradication of Streptococcus Pneumoniae. 2
Who doesn’t love portable booze? For a $20 pledge, we’ll send you a packet of granulated vodka PLUS Bonus Video: The Art of the Tang Screwdriver.
Thousands of Live Animals
Want more microscopic pets? For a pledge of $25 or more we’ll deliver a pinch of genuine Pacific Northwest forest soil that contains scads of them, plus guidelines for their care.
Tobacco is a beautiful, sticky plant that more people should include in their gardens. For a pledge of only $30 be the first in your community to signal support for a declining industry.
A racy photo essay featuring full nude meerkats awaits our supporters who pledge $35 or more. 3
We love our supporters and want to give back something they use every day. So for every $2 you pledge we’ll cheer 100 Bits to your Twitch account. Don’t use Twitch or know what bits are? For every $2 pledged by non-male supporters over the age of 32, we’ll email a digital cheer of two tacos high-fiving. 4
Replica Hunting Weapon
Pledge $100 to receive a replica hunting slingshot. For an additional $25 pledge, unlock the non-replica high-power latex hunting band!
For a pledge of $200, experience the revolutionary new ketchup packet, while supplies last. Who doesn’t love ketchup? And now, you can take it on the go. The single-serving foil ketchup container was invented just for this campaign. You simply tear at the top, and squeeze. Now you can have ketchup on anything, anywhere!
Pledge $1000 or more and relax on the beach while we manage your finances! Don’t know much about crypto currency? Who does? But don’t worry, supporters at this level who provide their banking information will receive a trip to Fujiazhuang Beach, Dalian, China, and will become fully invested in a variety of cash-equivalency instruments while they unwind.
Meet Tim, a Friend of Ours
For our executive-level supporters who pledge $5000 or more, we’ll facilitate an initial meet-and-greet with members of the Medellin cartel. Note that in this case we can only show you the door, you’re the one that has to walk through it. 5
This concludes our list of Rejected Kickstarter Rewards. We hope you enjoyed these examples of what not to do.
Tap the Goat. See weird stuff:
- Raffle contains an arbitrarily large number of blank entries.
- Hatefully authored by Escherichia coli.
- Meerkat talent is at least 4 months of age.
- Twitch bits reward does not stack. Tacos image does not vary. Tacos is not slang for anything in this context, they are just tacos. Not actual tacos, as they have hands to high-five with, and it’s only a digital image, but don’t get your hopes up is the point we’re trying to make.
- The door is actually an alley, that we will point out from the rooftop bar of our hotel.