For use exclusively in the case of hostile aliens.
These tips will help you adjust to life, post aliens.
As usual, we have summarized the high points of a meticulously researched but otherwise tiresome article into a pleasant series of FAQs.
Q: What do you mean, hostile aliens?
A: Excellent question. Friendly aliens would likely just attend a few U.N. meetings, then have our leaders announce whatever the changes are, such as curfews and compliance collars.
Whereas hostile aliens would park their spaceships in the sky for a few weeks with zero contact, just to see how we roll. Also, to ratchet up the tension. Hostile aliens are huge into tension.
Q: Hmm. What happens next?
A: After the parking stage, hostile aliens will move into the hostilities stage. The first step of which is to knock out all communications. That might not sound so bad, but unfortunately the internet is a form of communications.
Q: Ok that sucks. What am I supposed to do without internet?
A: Not to worry. We have compiled a flow chart. Follow it precisely to ease your withdrawal.
Search engine ➡️ Book
Cell phone ➡️ Smoke signal
Online shopping ➡️ Barter with neighbor
eSports ➡️ Table top games
Twitch ➡️ Table top games
Online poker ➡️ Poker
Doordash ➡️ Beans from can
Instagram ➡️ Subsistence gardening
Video games ➡️ Table top games
Vegas gambling ➡️ Vegas gambling
IRL sports ➡️ Raid neighbor’s subsistence garden
Q: That wasn’t a flow chart. Also what’s the deal with Vegas gambling?
A: It will not surprise you to note that Vegas gambling is one of the few entertainments to survive the transition. Vegas gambling has been around for millions of years, and is equipped to endure catastrophic planetary events. But for the rest of them, it’s pretty much down to table top games.
Q: What else can I do? I thought this was some sort of guide.
A: Your naiveté is why we publish this series. We remain committed to sharing the most authoritative info on hostile aliens, despite your saltiness.
Q: Fine. So what’s the takeaway?
A: As noted in the flow chart, table top games and beans from the can will form the cornerstone of the new economy. We suggest investing heavily in both resources before aliens land.
Q: Your advice seems kind of self-serving.
A: If you say so. Prudent families are currently stockpiling. It is not unreasonable to fill the two largest rooms of your bunker with these commodities.
Given that most of your time in the new economy will be spent in tight underground quarters playing table top games, it is regrettable that your main food source will be beans from the can. But our job here is to educate, not to sugarcoat things.
This concludes the training If Aliens Land. From the crack team that brought you How to Defeat a Grizzly Bear in Close Quarters Combat.