It is relatively easy to defeat a grizzly bear in a wide open space such as a forest or the hillside of a mountain.

This post is about how to overthrow a grizzly bear in a smaller environment such as a walk-in cooler, or inside a submarine.  Our tips will allow you to triumph over bears in two common survival scenarios.

As usual, we have summarized the high points of a meticulously researched but otherwise tiresome article into a pleasant series of FAQs.

Q:  “I’ve never encountered a grizzly bear inside a walk-in cooler before, is this a common occurrence?”

A:  This type of question is usually asked by those without much outdoors experience, who never leave the couch for the thrill of adventure.  But yes, it is extremely common.  Most walk-in coolers have grizzly bears inside them.

Q:  “My gut-level response would be to grab something sweet like tiramisu and throw it on the floor.  Then I would rush out the door, and lock it.”

A:  Seemingly an excellent plan, this reaction is responsible for hundreds of deaths each year.  It is wrong for two main reasons.  The first is, you don’t want the bear to associate you with food.  What happens when he finishes his dessert?  Like most of us, bears get testy about small portion sizes.  As the last person to give him tiramisu, he’ll expect you to have more of it.  When you don’t, he’ll assume you’re hiding it, possibly inside yourself, and will rip you open to find out.  The second reason is that running marks you as easy prey, and bears move faster than humans do.  So by the time your hand is on the door the bear will be pretty confident that you are prey and will be halfway through eating your legs.

Q:  “Jeez, that’s terrible.  So what should I do instead?”

A:  It is.  Really, really terrible.

Q:  “Right, so what do I do?”

A:  The right call in this case is to leap into hand-to-hand combat as quickly as possible.  Many bears will be so startled by this that they will flee to the corner of the cooler, or immediately “tap out” to signal their submission.  Do not take the bait.  Halting your attack now is sure to backfire.  Instead, look for a finishing move.  KO the bear with a crane kick, or use a triangle choke to render him unconscious.

Q:  “Got it.  And so what about submarines?  I’ve never heard of a bear in a submarine.”

A:  Your naiveté is why we publish this series.  Bears wind up in submarines all the time.  Did you know that 3 out of 4 submariners died during WWII?  Bears were a big part of the problem.

Q:  “Ok, so what if I encounter a bear in a submarine?”

A:  In this case, prevention is half the battle.  Do not invite bears aboard your submarine for any reason, even peace talks.  Precautions like this have saved countless lives.  Close outer doors to torpedo tubes as soon as you’re finished using them.  Do not open the main hatch for clawing or scraping sounds.  Establish that distress calls from ships were made by real humans, who were not under duress by bears.

Q:  “That all seems relatively straightforward.  What about a bear/submarine combat situation?

A:  Grizzly bears are extremely difficult to manage once they get aboard submarines.  Forcing them up the ladder and out the hatch is nigh impossible due to their shape, so it is usually best to strike a bargain.  Many bears respond well to the promise of salmon.  For this reason, it is a good idea to rub a bit of salmon on yourself before treating with bears.

 

This concludes the training How to Defeat a Grizzly Bear in Close Quarters Combat.  From the crack team that brought you If Aliens Land:  The Definitive Guide.

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